Southern California current weather is telling me it is time to cuddle and lay in bed all day long. I’m currently at work but doing work on a comfy couch. It’s as close as I’m going to get to it for sure.
I’m feeling really sad today. Just like..No energy, and kind of depressed, and with no energy. I hate it. I hate feeling this way.
Today I had one of the most intense therapy sessions I’ve ever had. It was just …. intense. The reason it was so intense is because I’m talking about a topic that I have never truly explored. I’ve never really processed some really traumatic losses that I’ve been through at a really young age. Now that I’m 23, it’s hard to go through all the built up emotions from the last decade or so. The process is long from over but I think it’s the work I need to do to be able to go on in life, without feeling like I’m carrying a huge load of baggage with me.
One. month. until my birthday. I think I’m going to finally be a big kid now.
I really need to get out of here. I need a break from this. I really do.
I need a pair of black & grey boots. Only problem: I can’t seem to find boots that fit my calf width-wise. Where can I find wide width boots??!?!?!?!?!??!
Once upon a time, there was a young girl who was very sad. This girl had an unquenchable need to be loved and validated by every person she came across. She needed all her friends and family to tell her, over and over again, how much they loved her and appreciated her. Her family did the best they could because they cared for her very much. But this really affected her romantic relationships. Although she was a great person with much depth and substance, she pushed all the men in her life away with her palpable desperation and need for constant approval.
One day, that girl saw what she was doing and said “ENOUGH”. She realized that what she had been doing wasn’t working for her and that things needed to change. With help of loving and blunt friends, lots of self-help books, great role models and lots of therapy this young girl turned into a self-sufficient woman who learned to care for herself and be happy on her own. Ironically, even though this woman was not of extraordinary beauty, as this woman became more self-possessed, confident and sure of herself, the men flocked to her feet. Men of all kinds knelt before her, ready to give themselves to her.
But to her dismay, the woman realized that things were much more complex than she anticipated. As long as things remained superficial and non-intimate, she could remain calm, cool, and collected. She was sure of herself and her role when interacting with these men. But as soon as things became more “real” and more intimate, all those feelings of vulnerability, insecurity and hesitancy came flooding back.
So what was a girl to do?
So she pushed them all away and made sure they remained in a place that she could control everything. She put them in a place where her heart was safe from pain and vulnerability. Sometimes she even picked men who liked her more than she liked them because she could keep them at a distance. That was what she did. It was easy. It was convenient. But most of all it was safe. It worked for a while. A very long while. But like with all things, everything comes with a cost. Her heart became sad and lonely and started to whither. Because she longed for true love. She longed for mutual, passionate and vulnerable love. And to tell you the truth, that kind of love scared the living shit out of her. She questioned whether it even existed…
But this girl was smart cookie. She knew things weren’t right. She knew she didn’t feel right. So she packed her bags for a journey. A journey to find the secret, the magic potion, the missing puzzle piece…that she needs to be able to balance out these two sides of her: the girl whose heart needs love and reassurance and the confident, intelligent, competent woman. She hasn’t found the answer yet but she holds on to the hope that the answer is out there, hiding under a rock or in a book or perhaps…maybe, just maybe…the answer is in her heart somewhere.
what i want.
I want something that I can not describe. I want something I have never experienced. I long for a feeling that I am unfamiliar with yet am certain I would recognize. It would feel like magic. It would feel like enchantment. I would see everything clearly but not clearly at all, all at the same time. I would just be and just feel it. All my walls would come down and I would just be. I would be in the purest of ways. I would not question it. It would just be so blatantly obvious that it is it because I would want it with such fervor and desire.
feelings I didn’t know I had.
I was supposed to hang out with three of my good friends tonight. But as the time approached for them to come over I started to feel pressure on my chest and extremely tense all over. I was even a bit short of breathe. I couldn’t pin point it but I was having a mild anxiety attack. The stress was pounding in my ears. And the thoughts were flooding my mind. I knew I needed to be alone. I knew I needed to have time for myself. But saying no to my friends was too difficult to do. I called one of them, one of my best friends in the world, to ask him how much longer until he would be arriving at my house. When he responded that he was very close by I just lost it. Tears were pouring down my face and words I didn’t recognize as my own were coming out of my mouth. I was stressed out. Under slept and exhausted. I had a terrible day at work with tons of stress, child abuse reports and responsibilities galore. And two days ago a close family friend had passed away from cancer, bringing up all the old feelings of loss from losing my own mother. I tried to pull it together so that the phone call wouldn’t turn into a sobbing blubbering mess. I hung up the phone eventually, after getting much support and understanding, from my friend about my need to be alone tonight. He understood and so did my other friends because they really are a great group of people.
And then I was finally alone. Alone with myself. Me, myself, and my feelings. Feelings I didn’t even know I had. So then I cried. I cried and cried and I’m still crying.