Two nights in a row, Mr. Yamaha and I have been having some really great conversations. Just opening up about stuff in a very non-threatening way. I feel really great about it. Really really great. But…there is a side of me that is freaking out. I don’t want to assume anything because of a fear of being let down. That’s the whole truth.
Last week I posted his series of idiotic text messages to me that upon further examination reflected a true apology.
He came over my house to do the apology in person and indicated wanting to start things fresh.
I’ve decided, intuitively, that it seems like a good idea. I feel like this really might be a legitimate attempt to working on things from his side and to really pursue me, in a different, more honest way (aka less games).
I’ve also realized that I have played a role in how things turned out between us. I’m trying to break my own patterns because I can’t ask him to do so without doing so myself. He’s opened up about his insecurities so I’m going to try to do the same.
I told him that it’s going to take time for me to trust him.
And I told him that he’s on probation until further notice.
“Dare to be happy. Most people don’t allow themselves the luxury of being enthusiastic, light-hearted, inspired, relaxed, or happy…It seems that a great number of people are frightened at what a happy demeanor would look like to other people…This is a very unfortunate form of self-denial.”—
Fellow twentysomething CA girl who also graduated with a BA in psych! Your blog is lovely! And yes, living at home is no bueno after four years of freedom. Glad to discover another lost soul! ;) Happy Holidays!
So very delighted to have you following ! Welcome !! -C
An old friend from high school, who I took a couple math classes with back in the day, contacted me via my high school email that goes something along the lines of “Cgonecrazy@gmail”. Not my finest moment in creativity. But I typically use this email for junk mail. I happen to be online and this friend who I haven’t seen since high school messages me through the email and tells me he’s coming into town and invites me to his party. SO RANDOM. At first I thought it was a hacker or spam or something but when I realized it was actually him I got super excited cuz this guy was super hilarious and a really cool guy.
It would be awesome to actually see each other. We’ll see if it actually happens.
Mr. Yamaha:Hey! So when do you leave for Argentina?
Me:Hey...First two weeks of the new year. How are you?
Mr. Yamaha:Good! But do you think you can come pick me up from (insert local bar)? I'm drunk x]
Mr. Yamaha:Jk, come hang out with me. I wanna see you.
Me:Um, Mr Y, I'm working until 8:30pm tonight and plus, I thought you had established that I was "too much" or "too analytical", or something like that. Right?
Mr. Yamaha:I didn't say you were too much. Plus, a little analysis could do me good. How about you call me when you're out of work? I'll be at a friends' b-day party right down the street from your house.
Me:If you want to talk, I'll be home around 9ish.
Mr. Yamaha:Sounds good, would you want to come to the party with me?
Me:You told me you didn't think you could date someone like me (someone who judges him based on "one little thing he said" aka him calling me crazy). I said I couldn't date someone who doesn't reply to my texts for weeks when they get upset. This all still stands true. I want to be cool with you but you're being bipolar with your words. I'm like -_- (That's my annoyed face.)
Me:Any yes, I always say exactly what I'm feeling and thinking and I don't let things slide. But I'm always open to being called on my shit too.
Mr. Yamaha:Um, I said what I said, I can't take that back. However, I'd like to start fresh with you. I think we can talk this through tonight.
Found myself googling articles about traveling around Africa today and I’m not quite sure why. Something made me drawn to it. I always stumble up on this particular blog and wanted to share it. I used this blog when I traveled to Greece this past summer. It’s a favorite blog for sure. Thanks Nomadic Matt.
One of my favorite bloggers recently put up this post regarding her irritation towards dieting fads on tabloids and other stereotypically women oriented magazine. She’s explore the simple yet jaw dropping phenomenon that even though every diet is deemed “the best one”, people still buy into it. You would think people would catch on to the hoax that is the diet industry? Let’s stop funding the diet industry.
Activism Opportunity: Refuse to subscribe to these magazines, don’t give them as gifts, cancel the subscriptions that you have until these magazines provide us with something other than tired, recycled diet advice, ads that make us feel like crap, and a never ending Photo Shop of Horrors.
why why why why do we keep doing the same things and expect different results? I do it. You do it. We all do it. Why are we stuck in this perpetual cycle and WHAT does it take to get us out of it? What in the world does it take? Is it awareness? Because if it is, I would like a gallon of it now.
Here is a list of birthday freebies, in alphabetical order. My birthday is on November 26th and you best believe I’ll be getting all my meals free plus some fun treats. Thought I would share so my followers indulge on their special day too. :D
Fewer than 3 in 10 graduates in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics are women. And barely 1 in 10 actual engineers are women. Early in a girl’s life, the toys marketed to her are usually things that don’t encourage her to enter those fields. GoldieBlox intends to change that by teaching them while they are young that these fields can be fun — and apparently epic, by the looks of this super-genius 2-minute video. Watch and learn.
If you choose to click on any of these links today. Choose this one. This is a beautiful beautiful 3 minute video of one of life’s existensial bummers. But it’s hopeful and inspiring. Just watch it, k?
So Mr. Salvador, the guy I met this past weekend (read about it here), has not contacted me since asking for my number. It’s been a few days (3.5 to be exact, but hey! whose keeping track?!). But alas, he has not contacted me and I’m taking it as either:
a. he’s dating someone else
b. he’s just not that into me
c. his phone fell down a well and has no way of retrieving it or contacting me
I’m totally thinking c is the answer but who knows. I kid. I’m just accepting that there was a lack of interest. Better to know now rather than later, right?
“You don’t have to choose between your sexual side, your intellectual side, your emotional side, or your spiritual side…. Just combine them all into one powerful expression and shine that brilliant light all across this world and beyond.”—Born Free (via ajna-aakhu)
One of my college roommates and I used to listen to popular hip hop songs (which we enjoyed dancing to) and dissect its lyrics and laugh hysterically about it. We figured that all you had to do to have a hit song was say “blah blah suck my blah blah bitches blah blah money and hoes blah blah”. This hilarious article pretty much puts into words what my roomie and I thought all along. (Of course, I had to send the link to her right away). Anyway I LOVE IT. It’s a must read.
This article was very powerful to me because body image and self acceptance is very very important to me, for many many reasons. It’s definitely where I see my career as a therapist going. Favorite quote of article: When we come together, we raise consciousness about our experiences, and we create culture. I know because I hear the revelations in audiences at colleges, universities, theaters and conferences around the English-speaking world. I know because I am influenced by others’ stories too. After all, we are changing the world, whether we do it consciously or not. Our small lives matter, and so does our gratitude for all who came before.
This blog is my favooooritttte when it comes to outfits, fashion and what I consider to be my ideal style. It resonates with me and feels like me. However, I believe like developing a fashion sense is innate but requires tapping into what you love and putting it into practice. This blog helps me see things I like and make visualization a reality.
“Sometimes you meet a person and you just click—you’re comfortable with them, like you’ve known them your whole life, and you don’t have to pretend to be anyone or anything.”—Alexandra Adornetto (via outcamethesun)
The Nature of Therapy: How It Continues to Surprise me Time & Time Again
Coming from a perspective of a therapist in training, it is even more baffling and completely amazing to see how therapy is changing my life in the most deep and meaningful of ways.
I have done 40 sessions of therapy in the last year and half and I am now starting to dig deep. And when I say “deep”, I mean really deep. I am tapping into parts of my psyche that have been untouched for years. I am going places that I have been too scared to even acknowledge.
Going through my own process has been so important to my development as a therapist because I am going to be able to say I truly know that therapy works because I’ve gone through it. I’ve been there and I’ve done that. And even though all these difficult, heart-wrenching thoughts and feelings are coming out. It’s going to all be worth it.
Last thing my therapist told me today: “Even though we can’t go back in time and change some of the difficult things that have happened to you, we can bring back that part of you that got buried underneath all of that”.
“I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations. If we don’t vibrate on the same frequency there’s just no reason for us to waste our time. I’d rather have no one and wait for substance than to not feel someone and fake the funk.”—
I hate how everywhere I go there is someone talking about some weight loss attempt or talking about how guilty they feel about eating something. It’s just infuriating because I really don’t need to hear about it. And this post gives some pointers on how to deal with these types of situations. Thought I would share in case anyone feels the same way. Stop the diet talk. Ick.
Super interesting article about what it means to be asexual and how it’s possible to experience romance and love without sex or sexual urges. I didn’t know anything about this topic so I was drawn to it.
In the same week, I start getting messages/texts from both Mr. Yamaha and Mr. Texas. Both trying to be friendly with me. WTF is up with this universe at the moment. They both are not even trying to “get at me”. They’re trying to be my friend and be conversational. I can’t handle it.
I don’t want either one of them as friends. What is going on?!?!?!?!?
I got to the bar where my friend was celebrating her birthday. Since I was driving from farther away, I got there pretty late. They had already been partying for a while. The birthday girl was doing birthday shots and slurring her words. I only knew the birthday girl so I introduced myself to everyone else in the group, all 15 of them. They were either the birthday girl’s co-workers, friends from grad school or friends from undergrad (like me).
The birthday girl comes up to me and hugs me for 2 whole minutes and drunkenly tells me how much she’s missed me and how much she loves me. Then she says to me “C, help me find some bitches!” hahaha. Right at that moment a guy approaches us and starts talking to us. They start to hit it off so I tell him “IT’S MY FRIEND’S BIRTHDAY!” He grabs her hand and says “ME TOO!”. From then onwards, it was game over. I didn’t see her for the rest of the night because they guy was sucking off her face. His group of friends look at me and start cheering. He was with a group of 7 other Persian guys who grabbed my hand and said “Just let them be. Join us on the dance floor”. So for the next hour or so I danced it up on the dance floor with this random group of guys that I didn’t even know. I was having the time of my life so I didn’t even care.
After a while I went to go look for my friend and couldn’t find her. (Found out later she was throwing up in a bathroom-eek- and was taken back to her hotel by a trusted friend only a couple minutes after I left her.) A couple people had joined the party group, including a guy who we’ll call Mr. Salvador (since he was from El Salvador). He was a friend of a friend of the birthday girl and didn’t know anyone as well. We bonded over the fact that we didn’t know anyone else in the party.
There was a dance floor so I naturally…was on the dance floor, all night. Mr. Salvador and I were tearing up the dance floor, non stop. It wasn’t raunchy and it wasn’t sexual. We were just LIVING and moving all over the dance floor, dancing with random groups of people since we didn’t know anyone anyways. Everyone else from the party was tired and getting ready to leave and we were barely getting started. His friend came up to us and told him “Dude, let’s go.” He looked at me and said “I don’t want to leave her alone so I’ll just catch you later.”
Everyone else left and we stayed dancing for another two hours or so. Our dancing got closer and more intimate as the night progressed. He pulled me closer and closer. I was into it and so was he.
Afterwards, I offered to drive him to his car which was a couple blocks away but I asked him if he’d like to get some food first. He excitedly agreed that we should look for a taco truck. We grabbed some tacos and talked for another hour or so. I found out he had had just moved back to Los Angeles from Portland a week ago, where he’d been working. He had done his schooling for civil engineering at Berkeley and then UCLA. According to him, he really enjoyed dancing and really enjoying dancing with me.
I dropped him off at his car and he said “Well I had an awesome time with you tonight. Do you mind if I get your phone number?”
“Life doesn’t always introduce you to the people you want to meet. Sometimes life puts you in touch with the people you need to meet – to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to gradually strengthen you into the person you were meant to become.”—(via psych-quotes)
Southern California current weather is telling me it is time to cuddle and lay in bed all day long. I’m currently at work but doing work on a comfy couch. It’s as close as I’m going to get to it for sure.
I’m feeling really sad today. Just like..No energy, and kind of depressed, and with no energy. I hate it. I hate feeling this way.