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Needed a firm talking to.

For the last 24 hours or so, I’ve been in a not so great place. I’ve been anxiety filled and completely unproductive when I have  VERY much to get done. I realized that my lack of productivity and circling around aimlessly was an attempt to run away from my how uncomfortable I was feelings with my current situation.

What’s my current situation? Well I’m in limbo. I have an upcoming test that will determine whether I graduate or not and I have an undefined situation with a dude who I like but has done some things I don’t like. It’s hard because on some level, I have taught myself that feeling discomfort is unbearable. But the more I run from those feelings, the more they bog me down.

So I went to the gym and before walking in, I had a firm talk with myself. I told myself that no matter what happens, everything will okay. That what I’m feeling is discomfort and that it won’t kill me. Feeling anxious about a huge test and uncertainty about a relationship is naturally going to be uncomfortable and THAT’S OKAY. I also threw in a little prayer to the universe and the list went on and on. I included a prayer to my mom (because I believe she watches out for me), and to my first dog I ever had (Valentina was her name), and my gramps that passed almost two years ago, and I threw in god too (even though our relationship is ambiguous). I asked for clarity and comfort and love. Then I decided I couldn’t be so selfish and started praying for people who are in way more need than I am. I prayed for those who are sick, I prayed for my family, friends, and even Mr. Chat. I threw in a prayer for all my Tumblr followers because everyone is flighting the good fight.

All of a sudden things were in perspective because the world is big and even though my problems are still valid, they are manageable and discomfort passes. The more I embrace my discomfort, the quicker it passes.

I wiped the tears from my eyes, walked into the gym and had a kick ass workout.

*Deep breathes*

Everything is going to be okay.

A ship is safe in harbor, but that’s not what ships are for.

--William G.T. Shedd

Who stayed in on a Friday Night?

Who stayed in on a Friday Night?

Who is trying on her clothes while listening to Ying Yang Twins Pandora Station?

Who is having a dance party all by herself?

Oh, that’d be me.

Anonymous asked: Are you waiting until marriage to have sex? I have a lot of respect for you!

This is a type of comment that I get quite frequently. I get this whole “wow, look at you deciding to not have sex AND YOU’RE 24!”. For a long time, this type of comment has triggered a lot of anger in me.  But I never really understood why. Just this past week (in a therapy session), I had this huge epiphany as to why, which I will attempt to share with you all. Just bare with me, as I am trying to get my thoughts together about it all. None of my anger is directed at the person who wrote this message, because they have their own beliefs and reasons for thinking the way they do. But on a personal level, I haven’t had sex for many many reasons and none of them have to do waiting until marriage.

I got my first offer to have sex when I was 16. I was at club in Argentina, making out with a hot Argentine boy who asked “Do you want to do it?”. Romantic right? I remember feeling anger and frustration and shame and bottling it all up and giggling and saying no, when all I wanted to do was punch him in the face. This was my first lesson of why men can’t be trusted. Then I remember hearing time and time again, hoards of negative messages from parents, family, friends and all over the media that if I gave it(sex) up, that I would be left. And I’d already been left and abandoned by many people, so on some subconscious level I decided I wouldn’t have sex because it would lead to me being abandoned and alone. And being left was the most painful excruciating thing I could fathom because it nearly killed me when my mother passed away at the mere age of eight.

I have dated my fair share of men and every single one has in one way or the other provided me with the opportunity to engage in sex. I have only realized this now, but I have never, not even once, trusted any of them enough, to participate in that act with them. I have never uttered the words “i love you” to any man. I don’t trust anyone with my body, and most definitely not my heart.

Every one of my friends would describe me as loving and caring and open to love because I am extroverted and openly flirt and date. But none of them really understand how deep my fear for abandonment really is. No one really knows the extreme anxiety and fear I have of being left and end up alone.

So when people tell me they respect me or look up to me for not having sex, I don’t like it because no one knows (nor do I expect them to know) the true reasons. I have only recently figured it out and it’s not something I wish upon anyone.

After this realization I have opted to going back to weekly thearpy sessions because I have found a deep seeded wound that was hidden so well that I was fooling myself. It’s insane how hard our minds will work to protect us. I have to truly honor my mind for working endlessly to protect me. But now I’m trying to convince it that I am strong enough to allow my heart to love and that it’s safe to participate in the act of sex with someone I love.

Thank you for this question anon. You have no idea how much I needed it.


Rant of A Mad Woman

I really want to punch several people in the face.

I think that there are several people who are pissing me off right at this very moment. One of them happens to be Mr. Chat. I’ve been sitting with all my frustration from Coachella throughout the last couple days and how he dealt with it after and my fury is raising.

I’m finding myself more mad and less understanding.

The other person I want to punch in the face currently is a female friend that he has, who has suddenly decided that after adding me on facebook, she is going to obnoxiously comment on every thing he writes with winky faces and fucking flirtatious stupidness.

Can you tell I’m pissed?

I just can’t stand her or him or anyone right now. And I’m in a place of anger and being fed up to the point where if he doesn’t step up and make things okay, I’m done with him.

Now I’m going to try and not punch someone in the face.

It’s Friday. It’s Friday. It’s Friday. I’ll be preparing for my big test all weekend long. I also need to take some time to myself and put together what I want to say to Mr. Chat.

I think I might take a break from studying at some point and go salsa dancing, by myself. Need to get away and just do my own thing.

To Do List After April 25th Test:

After finishing the biggest test of my life, I have things I need to figure out in relation to relationships/dating/whatever but I also have some other important life things to plan:

  • Book hotel room for Vegas graduation trip with classmates
  • Book flight for Asia Trip at end of August
  • Sign up for part 2 of self-improvement workshop
  • Plant a money tree to pay for all these amazing things I want to do

The Beard is back.

Mr. Beard asked me out on a date. Since you probably don’t remember him. Here is a link to when we met a few months ago. We had ONE explosive kiss but he was unavailable due to going through a break up (the freaking day prior to us meeting). I had told him to contact me after sorting out his life.

It’s been a few months since all of that.

I’m feeling all kinds of confused (because of Mr. Chat) so I told him I’ll be on hiatus until I finish my BIG TEST on April 25th.

if you’re going to love me
do it right,
do it hard
but be gentle.

--alex elle  (via shaelii)

(Source: alexandraelle)

In 10 days:

In ten days I will take the biggest test of my life. EVER. It’s the comprehensive exam that covers everything I’ve learned in my master’s program throughout these last two years. I have to pass this test, with at least a 70, in order to graduate.

I’ve been studying for the last two months and until then I will spend every moment studying.

Secondly this is also when Mr. Chat and I will discuss our whole situation and assess what will happen from here on out. After our argument at Coachella, things have just been…not awesome. So in ten days we will see where we stand.