Tenacious Twenties

I'm living my life and figuring things out along the way. I'm here to share my thoughts, ideas, and adventures.

Anonymous asked: Did that professor accept your paper when you couldn't turn it in online on time? I hope so!

YES YES YES :). He did and I was so happy. Thank you for this check in. I appreciate it so much.

Luv,

-C

cheekyguy asked: I've been away, got my heart broke severely, came back towards the end of that, moaned for a while and now I'm wondering how you are. So fire away. I want news! Cheeky x

It’s funny how that works right? We get our hearts stomped on and somehow we always come through alive despite how adamantly we believe this particular heartbreak will destroy us. I know I have personally suffered some heart wrenching break ups. Not so much because of the other person, but because of myself. It’s always about me, you know. Just like it’s always about you. You see, for a long time I put so much of my own sense of self in whether someone could love me or not, whether someone wanted me or not, whether someone would leave me or not.

And It’s taken me so long to see this reality as clearly as I see it now.

About a month ago, I ended things with my last dating companion (don’t know what else to call him, lol). This time it was distinctly different from other times. I see now, that he (just like those before him) came into my life for a very specific purpose. He forced me to rehash a lot of my old shit. He forced me to revisit my skewed self reflection. I had to look in the faulty mirror and admit to myself that I was the cause of all my suffering. Every time that I let someone else define my happiness, that was my own personal problem. Every time I let someone disrespect me, that’s my issue. Every time that I stick around in a relationship that’s not helping me grow into a better version of myself, that’s my own shit right there.

This last dating experience was the best thing that could have happened for me. Because it forced me to deal with the part of me that I’ve been trying to escape. I was faced with my own inability to accept things for what they are. I wanted to change him, fix him, and fix us. I tried and tried to change him, and change our relationship into something it was never going to be. I don’t blame myself for trying but I have learned. I have gained a priceless awareness. I have foregone naivety and gotten in touch with the part of me that knows

The part of me that knows is the wise, intuitive inner part of me that knows whether something feels right (or not), whether the energy of person, situation or place is conducive to my optimum growth and healing. I’ve ignored and turned away from this part of me for too long.

So even though this last dating experience was a failed attempt, it was my best one of them yet. This “failure” was my biggest celebration because it lead me to finding me. The part of ME that knows, that senses, that is wise, compassionate and caring. And as long as I am in relationship with that part of me, only good can come. Only love can survive and all other toxic relationships and people will just have to go away because they can’t survive when there is only love and peace flowing through me.

-C

Next

She stared at her hands shaking, as the plane gained momentum and lifted off of the ground. She had never liked flying. Actually, it petrified her. But she was a living paradox. She sought out things that she was scared of. She felt like fear was a signpost of where she needed to go next.

She had booked this flight without much thought. She knew that it was where she needed to go. She didn’t know what awaited her exactly but she knew it would be exactly what she needed.

The Power of Now By Eckhard Tolle: This book is by far the most powerful book I have read so far in my life. This book has popped up in my life, over and over again, in the form of quotes on my Facebook wall to friends mentioning it to my supervisor at work referencing it. This is the kind of book that you read and instantly click with- if you’re ready for it. The author delves into the fundamental truths of being a spiritual being in a human body. He talks about the “power of now”, referring the power to being present and not letting past or future rule your life. If we remove all those insignificant worries and fears from our lives we get to be ourselves, be our true and authentic “being”, which is more beautiful and perfect than anything else.
Read this book if:
You’re interested in furthering along your spiritual journey.
You’re a human being.

The Power of Now By Eckhard Tolle: This book is by far the most powerful book I have read so far in my life. This book has popped up in my life, over and over again, in the form of quotes on my Facebook wall to friends mentioning it to my supervisor at work referencing it. This is the kind of book that you read and instantly click with- if you’re ready for it. The author delves into the fundamental truths of being a spiritual being in a human body. He talks about the “power of now”, referring the power to being present and not letting past or future rule your life. If we remove all those insignificant worries and fears from our lives we get to be ourselves, be our true and authentic “being”, which is more beautiful and perfect than anything else.

Read this book if:

  • You’re interested in furthering along your spiritual journey.
  • You’re a human being.

What’s on my mind?

  • Having so much fun organizing a cyber writing group between me and my besties.
  • I need to get a picture for my visa ASAP. (Been saying this for a few weeks now)
  • Only three more weeks left at my internship. Bittersweet.
  • I’M SO EXCITED FOR ASIA TRIP.
  • I’m the most broke I’ve ever been in my entire life.
  • I’m currently reading five books simultaneously. Love my kindle.
  • Mr. Chat contacted one of my best friends, in a seemingly random fashion, discussing a variety of topics, which I interpreted as him trying to passively aggressively send me a message of some kind because he knows that my this friend is going to fill me in on the discussion.
  • Mr. Salsa contacted me and asked if I’d be willing to meet up with him in a few weeks when he’s in town. I have not replied.
  • I’m seriously attracted to NO ONE. Love life: *tumble weed* and that’s okay.
  • Today I’m doing my last presentation and last assignment EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER. Take that, Grad School.

Shattered

It felt like someone was stabbing me in the chest with a very sharp object that had been violently crafted just for my heart. How could he do this to me? I thought that he cared for me. Fuck, I thought he loved me. I really believed all those promises. How idiotic could I be? All I wanted to do was sink into my bed. No, better yet sink into the ground. No, no, better yet…have the earth break in two and swallow me whole. I didn’t want to be dramatic but I was. My heart was quite literally shattered into millions of pieces. And here’s the thing…I hadn’t known him for too long. Not really. But in my heart and soul I’d known him for decades. I had known him for centuries. I had imagined our lives and souls intertwining for all of eternity. I had imagined the laughs that would have been had, I imagined the divine that would have been shared between us. I heard the songs we’d sing together on road trips and all the beautiful places we were going to see together. I had mapped it out in my mind and felt it with all of my heart.

True growth and true healing cannot happen without moments of difficulty, without challenges, without hardships. That’s why its so important to be grateful for your struggles. Because you need to know the “downs” before you know the “up”. One cannot exist without the other. So remember that when things get rough, there is this huge window of opportunity for growth and healing. If you are open to it, it WILL come.

—C

I’m constantly baffled at how many things I “know” without being aware that I “know”. Let me see if I can explain. I believe that there is a truth that everyone knows about. For example, everyone knows that being a good person generally means being kind, being loving and not doing harm. Another truth is that (real, authentic, godly) love conquers. It baffles me how as I stumble upon these truths in books, gurus and other spiritually enlightened beings, I’ve had these truths within me all along but unwilling to tap into these truths on a deeper level. By deeper level, I mean that level of knowledge that overcomes all perceived challenges. It’s that inner wisdom coming out and becoming the truth in your life.